A Bearded Lady on a Dead End Road

untitled-design-7.pngIf you are one of the few remaining people who have yet to see “The Greatest Showman,” this post is not meant to spoil anything for you. I’m continually amazed that God will use just about anything to get our attention, and if my lack of motivation to go out last week for dinner and a movie with my family was any indication, God typically pushes me to come face to face with my junk and just deal with it…even in the dark of a movie theater.

For me, 2018 hasn’t been that fresh start, attack your goals kind of new beginning. What could go wrong, has. Any negative self-talk that could be said, I’ve said it and BELIEVED it about myself. I’m not sure why we allow the same things to have the same negative effect on us. Even when I’ve believed I’ve long ago dealt with hurts, failures and bad habits, they have a way of popping back up. I give the enemy more credit than he deserves, but life for me, if I’m being honest, is a good mixture of taking my eyes off of God, and opening that door wide open for the enemy to push those same, miserable little buttons. I allowed myself to fall into believing I’m alone. While everyone seemed to have a “bestie,” “BFF,” or “tribe” to HOORAY through the holidays with, I felt utterly alone. When you are an introvert like me, you tend to love being alone, savor the quiet, but sometimes I allow myself to be consumed with wondering if I’m ever thought of. In general I find the terms “bestie” and “BFF” to be juvenile out of the mouths of adult women, as if we are back in elementary school staking our claim that our friend is the very best of the best, and oh yeah…they’re MY best of the best and no one else’s. I do, however, sense the value of having your “Go-To” friend, one that is there for you through thick and thin. Heading into 2018, I just believed I’m not the go-to for anyone. Without a doubt, you challenge me to name who will be there for me in a skinny minute, I have a list of five or so that I wouldn’t hesitate to call within miles of me. Tell me they will hop on an airplane, and I’ll give you three more that would come no questions asked! Lies we tell ourselves take on a life of their own within seconds of believing anything about ourselves that is contrary to what God speaks over us. I pretty much camped out on the lie that I am not wanted, thought of, or valued, and you name one person that starts out on the right foot believing the worst about anything! Doesn’t happen!

I headed to a movie theater last week believing the worst about me, and events of the week fueled the belief that I screw up everything I touch and I’m misunderstood in everything I say. I headed to a movie theater last week wishing I could just tape shut my mouth from any chance to miscommunicate. I wanted to hide away and never come out because I believed my attempts to be a leader always end in disaster, that any approach to be a peaceful co-worker were producing opposite results and taken personally instead of professionally, and my management of my home was all things chaotic instead of me producing calm within our walls. All of the things I would tell you I’d believed God believed about me had turned to just wishing I could disappear, and I believed if I did, no one would even care. Thankfully, I headed to a movie theater and remembered that even words sung by a bearded lady can remind me of the truth of who I am.

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one’ll love you as you are

Words spoken by others hurt, but none wound more than what we more often speak over ourselves. While actual circumstances can cause us to feel like a nobody, it’s been allowing what I “think” others believe about me to become a loud truth in my ears.

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

Remembering who we are in Christ and who He is shaping us to be can drown out the pain others and even ourselves have inflicted. “Worthless” is the label I gave myself, and often give myself. I grovel to become who God wants me to be because He continually has to redirect me to where I find my worth. Battered and scarred from doing things my way, remembering that anytime I live in my flesh, I am not headed for life at all. Apologizing for the road that gets me there is often where I trip up because it is messy and hard, and I am ashamed of allowing anyone to see me fail along the way. You, too? Picture perfect simply doesn’t exist, contrary to what a social media world is producing. The beauty is actually found in the messy journey.

And I know that I deserve your love
There’s nothing I’m not worthy of
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
This is brave, this is bruised
This is who I’m meant to be, this is me

When I…when you…become aware of a love from God that demands all of our focus, we begin to trade lies for truth. When I still get up and feel worthless, what can I lay down that day that feeds into that, only to pick up what is feeding me truth. It takes me awhile to get it. The bearded woman hid behind a curtain everyday before she believed she had found worth. I, like her, can continue down a dead end road believing I screw up all I touch and say, or I can wake up and focus on what God says about me. A road I walk with Him is a road to life. A road with Him is exactly who I am meant to be!

“For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” Romans 8:6

*Full lyrics found here

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