The Call I Didn’t Want

I wished for way too long to be someone that I’m not. I’ve wanted to be that girl that has her act together all the time, didn’t feel things so deeply that most days I cry tears, didn’t question God and the path He’s allowed me to be on – a hard path. I’m not that girl, and I’m learning that it’s okay. He’s made me the way that I am, because in the middle of all of those tears I cry, it’s that deep feeling heart that wants to experience who He is just as deeply, that I can’t imagine any other way than the way He’s called me to walk.

3462486E-B69B-4840-9346-CEBA7F58AC8BSince October, I’ve been living in the Valley of Tears. No particular reason has prompted all of the tears. In fact, reasons change from day to day, but the fact is still there…I’ve not been OKAY. Not even remotely OKAY. While I’ve managed to get out of the bed everyday, felt motivated to look my best, put my best foot forward, I’ve barely made it from placing my feet on the floor every morning to placing them back between the covers at night, but I have made it back there everyday, but not without help getting there. I’ve tried it all – all of the essential oils, the CBD oil, currently two anti-anxiety meds, a weighted blanket, vitamins, you name it. I just want to feel like me again, but in the midst of wanting to feel like me, I’m striving for the me I’ve felt before, carefree and simple, but that’s honestly never been the me God called me to be. He called me to be a woman who has tasted the power of simple faith, and committed to Him to walk in that everyday, no matter the “how to get there” part. I’ve been trying to walk in a simpler version of a story that He never wrote for me to begin with. He’s been writing a story all along to remind me not to quit. It’s why I’ll do whatever it takes to grow stronger physically and mentally, why I’ll talk about anxiety like it’s real over some version of life other people live. It’s the version of life I’m living, and it all began 16 years ago this past month. 16 years ago this past month, God called me to walk a road that I’ve tried to get off of since day one.

If you have known me for any amount of time at all, you know about that miserable January day in 2003. My body writhed in pain that I could no longer tolerate, sending me to the hospital in an ambulance during an ice storm, to later endure a routine surgery that definitely was NOT routine for me. It’s true. Humans make errors, but who really wants the error to be on you? In a normal gall bladder surgery my common bile duct was severed, leaving me with barely a bile duct at all, and piling on a host of medical problems…and lots of bills…and a WHOLE LOT of questions regarding why I have excruciating pain for months, relief, more excruciating pain, and no answers as to why. I’ve been poked, prodded, x-rayed, had ultrasounds, you name it! No diagnosis. No treatment plan. No hope, if I’m being honest. Because I promised God I would do whatever it takes, and I’ve prayed over and over that I BELIEVE He started a good work in me, that He will finish it. So, in addition to all of man’s treatments (oils, medicines, etc), I’ve had an army around me. Prayers of the saints really is what you want on your side at the end of the day. Truth be known, I want a story that God could only write, not one that I stand up and claim that a medicine saved me. I believe a medicine can save us, don’t get me wrong, but I want His presence to go before me overshadowing any man made explanation. I want God.

I recently heard Lysa TerKeurst talk about a very scary medical crisis she found herself in the midst of, where she cried out for God to take the pain away, but He didn’t. My ears perked up a little because this has been my prayer for all of these years, for Him to remove my pain, and let me live pain free. He hasn’t done that. It’s made me angry. It’s made me sad. I’ve questioned Him. I’ve fought Him. I’ve also committed over and over to allow Him to do what He wants to do in me, and I will give Him the glory. The number of blogs I’ve written arriving at the place, one again, in surrender, are too numerous to count, but accurate in every way. Surrender takes time. Answers take time. As I listened to Lysa explain how her doctor ultimately discovered the source of her pain and developed a course of action, it was her words that followed that shook me, and continue to shake me. The doctor told her that had it not been for her pain, she would have died, because it was her pain that saved her. The pain led to the diagnosis. The diagnosis led to a plan to save her life. I am living that story today. My pain has saved me. It’s my pain that has led me back to a new path – a new set of doctors, new tests, new surrender.

As I walked into a, what I thought was, routine doctor’s appointment three weeks ago, I walked in broken. My anxiety at an all time high, panic attacks defining my days, and just exasperated, I was broken and tired of the pain, and tired of the fear of it all. I knew, however, God had brought me to this place. He had ordered my steps. I felt Him very much with me, despite my heart running on empty. I sat in the room as a precious nurse practitioner and kind doctor explained to me that I didn’t have to be in pain anymore…that they knew the last 16 years of pain were brought on solely because of the injury I sustained in that gall bladder surgery, that I did not have other conditions I was being tested for, but BEST yet, he could fix it. I would not have excruciating episodes anymore. I could plan to do things and actually go do them without fear of having these pain filled attacks. God spoke clearly to Jeff and me several years ago that God was going to heal me, and my mind had determined all of the ways He was going to do just that, and never did I land on “let’s have surgery to fix you”. Surgery is what got me where I am. No way, no how. I was not having surgery.

I’ve recently seen my life come full circle in one sweet verse in Exodus. Any journey we find ourselves on as a Daughter of the King is a journey we don’t want to take alone, right? Even on my worst days, it’s my Father I’m crying out to. He is THE place my hope lies. On this path I did not want to answer the call to walk, He didn’t leave me to walk it alone.

“If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here.” Exodus 33:15

Trust me when I say, I’ve tried walking it alone, but here I sit today knowing the only posture we can have in this life is the one we surrender and bow before Him. In pain or in the healing, I don’t want either if He’s not with me.

I head into surgery this week, a somewhat risky procedure, full of peace because He goes with me. He has never, ever wanted to withhold His healing from me. In fact, in the pain itself, I have been healed already. I have learned more about who I am in Him in the 16 years of pain that I believe I would have incident free. I never thought I would appreciate the pain, and while I am not begging for more, I know that my pain is also my healing. Being on the brink of healing feels strange in some ways, knowing that I am walking into a hospital with the promise of being healed, and I’m believing the promise. We are all on the brink of healing, if you think about it. We aren’t meant to belong just here in this physical world, in this hard situation we’re facing, in broken relationships, in financial decline. We’re on the brink of complete healing when we stay on the path, though it may be hard, toward our ultimate home. God is a good God that He even allows us a taste of healing here on this earth. Whatever we face in the days ahead, we can find purpose and healing in the pain. We don’t have to stay broken forever. We have a glorious reward just around the corner.



Ever have a thought that worms its way into your head, makes its way into your heart, and singlehandedly changes the course of your day? When a face is attached to a thought, we can allow ourselves to become completely unraveled over things like, “Why didn’t he/she speak to me,” “Why does it seem like they just don’t act the same way toward me,” “I’m sure they don’t talk to me anymore because they must know the secrets I keep about myself,” or ” They must not make eye contact with me because I have different beliefs than they do.”
We’re not living in a “For You” world anymore, to put it bluntly. We base opinions of others more on what others say about someone rather than knowing the truth of who a face really is for ourselves.

I recently discovered someone dear to me their whole life – someone I’ve loved deeply ever since I’ve known them – unfollowed me on a social media platform. Because I regularly share life with them, I scratched my head in confusion and began all of the negative self-talk, “What did I do,” and “Why don’t they like me?” I took the truth in my heart that absolutely nothing will ever change my love for them and I exchanged it for the lie that I caused the action they took to remove me from their “sight.”

When we make our worlds all about us, our love for others becomes selective.

When we allow thoughts that people don’t like us, will never like us because of how we’ve screwed up, share differing opinions than us, reacted differently toward us, chose to believe gossip about us rather than ask God to show them who we are, and on and on and on…we push ourselves to live in a space where we are no longer truly for people. When we allow thoughts of assumption to become our truth, we are no longer known by our love because our love has become conditional. Conditional love will never be a love that looks like Jesus. His love was never about Him. His love never changed its course because He assumed people didn’t like Him, disagreed with Him, or turned their back on Him.

His love knew its source, and that source was a never-ending supply, only focused on an ever-needing people.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 says, “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” When we focus on making each other better rather than how they sometimes don’t bring out the better in us, it is there we are being a true reflection of love. The enemy will turn us against each other by using any trick – little or big. His motive is to keep us distracted, to turn us inward, and to keep us fighting so the world would never believe we actually even know the True Love. Who can you spur on today that you’ve allowed to control how you’ve loved them? People don’t dictate how we love unless we let them. Today let the Source of Love be your only guide.

When God Gave Me You -(an open letter to my second-born)

IMG_0101When we walk down a road we’ve walked before, have a similar experience as we’ve once had, or do a repeated action, those things often go unnoticed…until we walk down a road that sends part of our heart out the door. Two years ago I left part of my heart in the four walls of a college dorm room, and today I give another part of my heart to similar walls in a different dorm room. Today, in many ways, marks the end of a road of preparation, of years of being home with you, taking care of you, teaching you, making memories with you…all with the intention I was giving you wings to soar. How easy it would be to hold tight to you forever and never let you go? I could keep you here, safe, secure, aware of every single detail of your life, but today I choose to look at as an “I get to” day. I get to watch you make a life for yourself that is the story that only you and God must write for you. I get to watch you grow in confidence of who I’ve always known you are, to now taking that confidence to chase your dreams. I get to rejoice in knowing that God gave you to us to prepare, to invest in, to help guide so that you would be ready for this day to come. You were never fully ours because you are first fully His, a gift on loan to us – and what a GIFT you have been! You’ve taught me more about myself than I knew before. In the first moments you entered this world and were placed in my arms, I knew our journey together would be special. Big eyes. They drew me in, and even then I probably knew that your world would become one of WONDER. Curious, adventurous, in the thick of it all – that’s always been YOU! From a little girl who hurt when anyone else hurt, I saw a nurturer who has now become a young woman who desires to nurture relationships. My little girl who has always trusted everyone had their best interest at heart, I’ve had to watch you walk through hard times to learn that not everyone is good, but God still is. My “never-runs-out-of-things-to-say” girl that would often leave my head spinning, I now see God using those words to be shared in obedience as He leads you to share your story of redemption. You’ve never been afraid to love people by asking them the tough questions, even when it’s burned you, but that’s where I’ve learned from you the most. You are unafraid to ever see your friends and family walk down a road that would hurt, and even kill, them…so you ask, you challenge, you care! It’s that hard road you’ve walked down that keeps you jealous for your circle because you know the hurt. You’ve lived the hurt. You’ve walked away from God…and you remember what that feels like. So, when the world around us often says tough love is to remain unspoken, you, my girl, have reminded me that tough love is often the BEST love because it’s a save-a-life LOVE, and don’t we all need saving? That is what you have shown me and done for me, my second-born. You have lived out, “There is no fear in love,” and “Perfect love drives out fear.” Maybe you don’t get it right all of the time. Maybe it seems too strong…seems too much…but, you keep loving the best you know how, and it will be your love that best shows who you are because that love shows who God is, and at the end of the day it’s BECOMING love that will change the world! Go become LOVE, my girl! Don’t give up when you get discouraged your love isn’t returned. Don’t stop loving because it’s uncomfortable, hard to speak, or harder to show. Just become love by striving each day to become more like Him.

Bailey Claire, you are one of God’s greatest gifts to me. I will miss your seeing your face everyday, watching you make perfect cups of coffee, hearing your hysterical laugh throughout the house, seeing you pour over your Bible every morning (and currently digging deep to get through the book of “Judges”…wow!), your constant “reasons” you MUST go to Barista Alley every. single. day, your kisses every night before you go to bed, and I’ll miss the one who will bluntly tell me if my outfit is a yes or a firm no before I head out the door. I will simply and deeply MISS YOU, so while you aren’t far away, I know my adventurous girl will slowly go from frequent visits to your journey taking you away from home more and more, and to that I say, “Go with every ounce of love that we have for you and CHASE YOUR DREAMS with everything you have! We believe in you!” Those walls of a dorm room may have you for a season, but I thank God everyday that I have been given the gift to love you for my whole life!

Be Generous With Your Likes

Untitled Design 62I am very much a words person. I feel most myself when I am writing, but I repeatedly am stuck in a place of not feeling “good enough” because I mostly write for a social media audience and somewhat set myself up to “depend” on the likes to determine if I’ll continue to write or not. Just the other day I was so rooted in my own insecurity that I spent over an hour on Google researching how to know if your friends unfollow or hide you on social media. I was on the verge of making myself physically ill that people that say they love me don’t like what I post (No joke. I really did).
I know enough of how social media functions, especially on Facebook, to know that it is “Likes” that push you at the front of the line, force you to be noticed in the feed, or help you make the rounds on your friends’ lists. I had set up an expectation – an unfair one at that – that if my friends and family really loved me they would let me know my words matter by a “Like” button. It pushed the focus off of why I write – actually WHO I desire to consistently write about – to be squarely centered on the approval of my friends and family. In my real life world, I much prefer to text how I feel, tell someone in person how I feel, or show someone how I feel about them, so depending on a social media recognition really isn’t an accurate recognition at all. The truth is that many don’t see everything posted by anyone, so all my insecurity does is make me the center of the world, rather than use my words for their original intended purpose – to encourage. An audience of One is Who I obey, and an audience of readers at all is the one He also must bring.

I read the statement “Be generous with your likes” from a blogger this week and it really pulled me in. It shifted the lens of the words I write bringing some kind of desired return for me, and returned it to valuing people right where they are. Instead of asking, “Who out there is supporting me,” I ask, “Who out there can I support?” The blogger talked about she uses her LIKES on social media to show her support because she noticed the people who valued her, and wanted to show their support to her, be generous with their likes – so much so that she didn’t even know how much it had pushed her to go forward with her dreams.
Seems like such a simple thing that wouldn’t make a big difference, but doesn’t valuing and loving people right where they are when we want to be Jesus to them change everything? When we LIKE with a Jesus lens, their life is encouraged, and our life is, too, because we are awakened to the fact that we just have love every opportunity we get, and Jesus will bring the life change.

Not all life is an easy life to LIKE or LOVE. Truth is, I have to unfollow and hide toxic people from time to time, but our people, the ones we hold dear is a great place to start being generous with our LIKES. It means I will not withhold a LIKE from those I call “family”, or I have named “friend,” or those God has called me to serve alongside. If we don’t get those LIKES right, then there is no chance we’ll ever see much more than a mediocre display of love because we’ve limited it from exploding from the start. Our LIKES are definitely not limited to social media…in fact, that’s not where we need to be doing most of our living at all. Rather, we ask these things…Do the people we see everyday feel we are generous with our LIKES, or have we assumed they just know? Do our kids know we are over the moon for them because we’ve actually told them? Do our co-workers know we’ve got their back because we truly believe “two are better than one”? Does the insecure, the angry one, the one who feels they’ve been dealt the bad lot know we believe in them? Let’s turn the tide on the LIKES. Let’s throw them around like confetti! Let’s do all we can to see the people in our lives soar to their dreams because we’ve been generous in our support of who God is making them to be.


When I Don’t Take the Easy Way Out

Untitled Design 28Wouldn’t it be the best if our obedience to God guaranteed us a carefree life? Sometimes I determine my willingness to obey by whether the payoff will be in my favor in the end. Will it guarantee I get the answer I want, the job I’ve dreamed of, the relationship I’ve longed for? Will I come out of my obedience unscathed, my heart still intact? Will it make me comfortable?

I wish the answers to my questions of obedience always worked in my favor. We’ve painted big pictures to the world that obedience always makes sense. God would never have us make big decisions that others wouldn’t understand, would He? Surely He wouldn’t ask us to give up things that matter most to us for the sake of obedience. Would He ever require my obedience to set me apart from the crowd? Oh the QUESTIONS that arise when I determine how far I am willing to obey.

I’ve never really understood, or been a fan of, my obedience resulting in lost relationships, moves to other countries, being misunderstood, having assumptions made, and so on. Obedience shouldn’t cause heartache, should it? Maybe that’s a perception that we need to change. Galatians 1:10 says, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” If I’m being honest, I gauge my willingness to obey by whether or not people may or may not like me, if they might think I’m crazy, or disagree with my obedience. I’ve watched friendships dissipate, people leave the church where I invest much of my life, and heard that gossip has traveled over decisions to obey God in the hard, doesn’t make sense stuff. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Obeying God is beautiful, but not always beautiful in what the world defines as beauty. Obedience is less about the way we’re asked to obey, and so much more about the end result. It’s about the Kingdom – your obedience and my obedience. It’s not just about the Kingdom if you’ve given your life to serve full-time in ministry. It’s about that fact you have given your life to serve GOD fully!

How many times have you opted to just not obey because it means you might take a loss? I’m not sure I can count the times I opted out because I was so afraid of the ridicule I might receive because it wouldn’t fit into a nice, tidy box. I remember when my family made a BIG decision to obey God calling us to move overseas as missionaries. I was the very first to think my parents had lost their minds. Who takes their young children out of the comfort of the United States, away from friendships, and moves them to love people they don’t even KNOW? It took me years to understand that obedience is ALWAYS about the Kingdom for the Christ-follower.

Maybe obedience in the hard stuff is staring you right in the face today. You know people are gonna talk, that you might take a big hit for obeying in that thing that just doesn’t make sense. Let me say to you…DO IT! Obeying God is never a loss when the gain is always heaven and the treasures you lay there.
I may never understand the obedience God has required of me, especially when there are many days my heart hurts so bad when it’s the faces of people I see I’ve lost. That will never make sense to me. Is it worth it to obey God in the hard things? Absolutely. Is it worth it to not obey Him and hope He’ll ask someone else to do it instead? Nope. I’ve tried that, and probably will try that again, unfortunately. The abundant life doesn’t always come neatly packaged in doing just easy things. In fact, it’s the opposite. It’s a wake up, take up the Cross, and surrender myself on the altar of MY WAY for HIS WAY. Every. Single. Time.



“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18
Ever feel like all of your conversations, all of the things you write, or all of the things you feel aren’t the most “popular” or uplifting things to talk about? If I were to sum up the last month, I feel like I’ve been beating the same old drum, feeling the same old things. I’ve always wanted to remind others that they should never be sorry for their story, but I often feel sorry for mine lately because it isn’t the fun stuff or the stuff that really gains you many friends. It’s the hard stuff that, whether we like it or not, we have to walk through.
My story, if it was a book, would be entitled, “The Sick Person”. I wish that wasn’t the title because it doesn’t just portray a physical state when I read it. It portrays a mental and emotional state that causes me shame, that makes me want to hide in my brokenness. It makes me wonder, “How many different ways can you speak about this…can you write about this?” I’ve always tried to look for the meaning in the events that shape my story, but most stories take on different chapters with a different theme. My story just seems to keep repeating the same chapter.
So many stories are worse than mine, but if we all think like that, we don’t always necessarily pay the necessary attention to what God is trying to speak throughout OUR story because we are rooted in comparison.
Health is a tricky thing. Many of us walk around in great health, and no worries. Many of us walk around in not so great health, and everyday is a worry in one way or another. Many walk around in the worst of health and take it like a champ, living each day to the fullest, but many uncertain how to live when you wake up each day wondering if this is the day it claims your life. Morbid, maybe, but also an honest nutshell summary of life.
I live most of my life looking through the lens of ministry. I firmly believe that if you are a Christ-follower, you all have a ministry, but my life just happens to be the calling that is also the “job” I go to everyday, or the events that fill my calendar. My ministry eyes have seen much sickness, and my hands have held the hands of many a sick person. It’s so much easier, if you will, to hold the hand of the sick than to actually BE the sick. For the last 15 years I have been the sick, but not until this last month have I actually realized, or called myself, the sick. It’s a label. I don’t like them. There’s always been something comforting to me about having an actual diagnosis for what ails me with my health, but there is also something about having a diagnosis that I don’t want, and it’s having a name that I would force myself to live in – to put myself inside a box called, “Just Barely Living”. Having a diagnosis might mean I use it as a reason to stop living, and for someone who feels EVERYTHING deeply, that’s not always what I need. We need reasons to keep on living, to not want to give up.
I’ve wanted to give up most everyday lately. I’ve been so sick for the past month, I’ve made it to work maybe a total of five days. I’ve run a fever for a solid month. I’ve lived everyday, but five, in pain. I’ve, by the grace of God, made it to church every Sunday, but 2, over the last two months, experiencing the only break in pain I’ve had, only to return home that afternoon to the pain returning. It’s probably all mumbo jumbo to you because you can’t understand something that has no name, that you don’t feel, or you’re one of the ones who is much sicker and you wonder why write about this at all. I’ve got to own this story God has been writing over me. I don’t believe He makes me sick, but I believe, as my husband always says, “This is all going somewhere.” If I wear any banner more than another, it’s that one. I have to believe it’s for a reason. The reason I struggle to understand is how do you live a life of ministry when you hurt everyday, when you are so tired you can barely shower, or when no one really understands your health because YOU don’t understand your health. I really don’t know. I want to know, but if I’m being honest, this is lonely and confusing, angers me often, and has flowed over to other parts of ministry that I don’t know how to process. Investments in lives have changed a lot for me. I feel disconnected from people, more of observing others doing ministry than actually doing it myself, and honestly super confused what’s even the point of putting a whole heart into something that everyday I see more and more care less about. I hate that part about honesty, but just understand with me for a moment that life seems to be so inundated with excuses over surrender, and I even find myself questioning my own desire to surrender and just keep going, but then I remember, deep down, with everything, I know this is all going somewhere. So, it makes me share hoping that it connects with someone, encourages you to keep going. Realizing recently that I am actually in this community I never wanted to be in called, “The Sick Person” has made me see things a little differently, I guess. Being sick makes me want to hide, but rarely do I hide from the pressures of responsibility. Maybe for you, that is your job. Me, too. I rarely hide from that willingly because income is drawn from a job. Expectations work will be completed exists. When I say I missed all but five days of work, that is solely because I couldn’t physically pull it together to get there. You want to know where I hide the most? From God. It takes every bit of my willpower to want to be in the Word, to pray, and I kick and scream my way to church each Sunday because He represents everything I don’t understand. Why did He speak clearly He is going to heal me, but He hasn’t. (Side note…please don’t write me, or tell me, “He’s going to heal you here on earth or in heaven” because duh, we will ALL be healed in heaven. This is not helpful. He spoke a specific word that He IS going to heal me. Pray that!) Why would I want to put myself in a place that He will speak to me things I’m often not ready to hear? Why would I want to be in a room full of healthy people when all I feel is sick physically and mentally? Being an introvert, I want ANY reason to not be in a room full of people, sick or not, but you try sitting alone in a room with your thoughts, and no one to talk you off a ledge but your DOG! It is NOT the most uplifting place to be. I look around every Sunday and my flesh takes over in confusion, anger, disappointment, hurt, defeat, and on and on. Why? When you see things through a ministry lens, you wonder why so many people have stopped coming, opting often for online church, or just no church at all. Do NOT hear me judge when I question watching online. Trust me. When I am home sick, it is the BEST to know I can worship from home, but trust me…the enemy will use ANY reason to keep you from community. He will give us excuses we would never use to not show up for work, just to keep us from being with people that will speak life to us, or keep us from sitting next to someone that needs to hear our story, or allowing a sermon to hit us between the eyes. Let me chase the rabbit one last lap with this…Don’t fall for lies that you can be just fine without attending church. It is a lie. Read Hebrews 10:24 & 25…’And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching.’ What a gift to know we can encourage one another while we worship together.
In all of my attempts to talk myself out of going, I have NEVER walked out disappointed that I went. Why? I absolutely cannot depend on me. I NEED other people to be the lifters of my arms.
Untitled Design 25Maybe you are crushed right now for different reasons than the ones I am feeling. I love the scripture at the beginning of this blog because it reminds me that God doesn’t always immediately heal the brokenhearted. It says He is close. He is with us for every moment of sadness, frustration, defeat, anger…ALL OF IT! The truth is, we are all the sick person. We all have a need for Him that absolutely nothing else will satisfy. What I know is that our circumstances can drive us away if we allow them to do so, or we can do whatever it takes to draw closer to Him. There is no better closeness than the one where I’m moving as close to Him as He already is to me.
My knuckles are usually in a white clenched, even bloody state from just trying to hold on to my misery. You, too? Maybe it’s not an instant heal for all of us, but it is a peace to know that His closeness never changes no matter how sick or defeated we feel. You’re not alone today, you who feel crushed. Today I hope I can be the reminder you need. Tomorrow, I am sure that you will need to be the reminder for me. That’s just what community does. Find yours.

A Bearded Lady on a Dead End Road

untitled-design-7.pngIf you are one of the few remaining people who have yet to see “The Greatest Showman,” this post is not meant to spoil anything for you. I’m continually amazed that God will use just about anything to get our attention, and if my lack of motivation to go out last week for dinner and a movie with my family was any indication, God typically pushes me to come face to face with my junk and just deal with it…even in the dark of a movie theater.

For me, 2018 hasn’t been that fresh start, attack your goals kind of new beginning. What could go wrong, has. Any negative self-talk that could be said, I’ve said it and BELIEVED it about myself. I’m not sure why we allow the same things to have the same negative effect on us. Even when I’ve believed I’ve long ago dealt with hurts, failures and bad habits, they have a way of popping back up. I give the enemy more credit than he deserves, but life for me, if I’m being honest, is a good mixture of taking my eyes off of God, and opening that door wide open for the enemy to push those same, miserable little buttons. I allowed myself to fall into believing I’m alone. While everyone seemed to have a “bestie,” “BFF,” or “tribe” to HOORAY through the holidays with, I felt utterly alone. When you are an introvert like me, you tend to love being alone, savor the quiet, but sometimes I allow myself to be consumed with wondering if I’m ever thought of. In general I find the terms “bestie” and “BFF” to be juvenile out of the mouths of adult women, as if we are back in elementary school staking our claim that our friend is the very best of the best, and oh yeah…they’re MY best of the best and no one else’s. I do, however, sense the value of having your “Go-To” friend, one that is there for you through thick and thin. Heading into 2018, I just believed I’m not the go-to for anyone. Without a doubt, you challenge me to name who will be there for me in a skinny minute, I have a list of five or so that I wouldn’t hesitate to call within miles of me. Tell me they will hop on an airplane, and I’ll give you three more that would come no questions asked! Lies we tell ourselves take on a life of their own within seconds of believing anything about ourselves that is contrary to what God speaks over us. I pretty much camped out on the lie that I am not wanted, thought of, or valued, and you name one person that starts out on the right foot believing the worst about anything! Doesn’t happen!

I headed to a movie theater last week believing the worst about me, and events of the week fueled the belief that I screw up everything I touch and I’m misunderstood in everything I say. I headed to a movie theater last week wishing I could just tape shut my mouth from any chance to miscommunicate. I wanted to hide away and never come out because I believed my attempts to be a leader always end in disaster, that any approach to be a peaceful co-worker were producing opposite results and taken personally instead of professionally, and my management of my home was all things chaotic instead of me producing calm within our walls. All of the things I would tell you I’d believed God believed about me had turned to just wishing I could disappear, and I believed if I did, no one would even care. Thankfully, I headed to a movie theater and remembered that even words sung by a bearded lady can remind me of the truth of who I am.

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one’ll love you as you are

Words spoken by others hurt, but none wound more than what we more often speak over ourselves. While actual circumstances can cause us to feel like a nobody, it’s been allowing what I “think” others believe about me to become a loud truth in my ears.

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

Remembering who we are in Christ and who He is shaping us to be can drown out the pain others and even ourselves have inflicted. “Worthless” is the label I gave myself, and often give myself. I grovel to become who God wants me to be because He continually has to redirect me to where I find my worth. Battered and scarred from doing things my way, remembering that anytime I live in my flesh, I am not headed for life at all. Apologizing for the road that gets me there is often where I trip up because it is messy and hard, and I am ashamed of allowing anyone to see me fail along the way. You, too? Picture perfect simply doesn’t exist, contrary to what a social media world is producing. The beauty is actually found in the messy journey.

And I know that I deserve your love
There’s nothing I’m not worthy of
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
This is brave, this is bruised
This is who I’m meant to be, this is me

When I…when you…become aware of a love from God that demands all of our focus, we begin to trade lies for truth. When I still get up and feel worthless, what can I lay down that day that feeds into that, only to pick up what is feeding me truth. It takes me awhile to get it. The bearded woman hid behind a curtain everyday before she believed she had found worth. I, like her, can continue down a dead end road believing I screw up all I touch and say, or I can wake up and focus on what God says about me. A road I walk with Him is a road to life. A road with Him is exactly who I am meant to be!

“For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” Romans 8:6

*Full lyrics found here